If the Los Angeles Angels are selling off Shohei Ohtani, your favorite MLB team better be buying, baby!
Making sense of all the nonsense baseball gave us this week through pop culture references!
Everybody wants to rule the world. Too bad there's no time for Tears for Fears. Shout, shout, let it all out. It's a Mad World, you know, the kind where Bubble Boys see rabbits just walking around all willy-nilly 'n sitch. That's par for the course in the dawg days of summer, baby. The second half of the MLB season is upon us and everybody and their brother wants them some Shohei Ohtani.
To be fair, I haven't seen people fawn over a supremely talented dude who never really won s**t since Cedric Diggory. Shockingly, that no-good stinkin' badger convinced people that it was cool to be a Hufflepuff. It's not, but I like the fact you like the fact that he's emo Batman and the sexiest vampire of all time. Too bad Hey Look Pa, I Made It did not happen at Hogwarts. OHNOHEDIED!
The Only Difference Between Superstardom and Irrelevance is Press Coverage?! I suppose, sure, why the hell not? Regardless, I Want You To Want Me, Shohei. I need you to need my Atlanta Braves because if you went to the New York Mets that would suck more than Neville Longbottom in potions class. Like Seamus Finnigan, I'm all for blowing things up, but I don't want to burn out.
Oh, I declare I don't care no more. With hair more than shaggy in my eyes, I cannot wait to hit the streets tonight. I still haven't been to a Braves game in person yet this season. While I would love to Joe Willy Namath guarantee a victory poolside, I can guarantee three things will happen: I will drink domestics, I will devour hot dogs and I will sweat. Hopefully, Ohtani will become an ATLien.
So what made baseball fun this week, Buhler?! Baseball was mostly about Ohtani and hot dogs.
The piping hot, delicious segments are going to go down so very smooth, bro
- Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
- But what about the fans???
- I don't believe what I just saw!
- The Dude of the Week, man
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: Are boneless wings wings? I don't know, man. Are birds even real?
Just as things were finally starting to make sense in my life, what is this, what is this? Clearly, I want it all but I can't have it. I have Faith No More in anything I once believed. Are birds real? Are wolverines real? Did we land on the moon? Is this a simulation or am I in the tank? All I know is that I don't know nothing. The contrarian ass in me is going to have a field day with this, bruh!
Most important question of the day: Are boneless wings wings? Also, what is paint exactly, man?
To me, they're saucy nugs, and you better believe I got the hamburger tie to show it. Okay, I lied. I don't. I'm not even cool enough to have a hamburger phone. Life goals, to be honest. What I am in favor of is eating boneless wings because who wants spicy s**t in their eyes? I mean, I'd rather take a blast of cumin into mine if it meant I got to hang out with Vince Wilfork and devour ribs.
Public service announcement: Don't yuck on other people's yum. If you live that saucy nug life, you do you, man. If you like Wes Anderson movies, don't ruin a perfectly good conversation someone else is having without you with "do you wanna hate me?" Actually, actually guy, I don't need you to culture me. Richie and Margot Tenenbaum had a thing, so we are never inviting you into our tent!
I don't particularly care if boneless wings are wings, just eat them damn saucy nugs and be happy!
I don't believe what I just saw! | The Dude of the Week, man
But what about the fans???: Chicago White Sox will never land Patrick Mahomes because they hate ketchup. Good for them, to be totally honest…
As if I needed another reason to claim the Chicago White Sox as my AL team until death, they took a stand, man, kind of like the one where Cameron Frye did back in '84 when the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California bit the dust in the burbs. I don't care if my cousin Ferris was allegedly an alter ego of his, but cession ain't Succession. I am so glad Patrick Mahomes will never play for the Sox.
If you put ketchup on a hot dog and you can legally drive a car, you should be institutionalized now!
Believe it or not, I do miss Chicago food big time. From hot dogs to Lou Mal's to Italian beef, I am glad those delicious carnivorous concoctions took years off my life. Like Radiohead, I do it to myself, usually On a Friday… Why do you think this godforsaken, stupid-ass column comes out when it does? My body is a House of Cards, but no Reckoner should tell me how dark my deck is.
But as this ATLien reminisces over the Chicagoan food he once ate on the reg, I'm done living this Siamese Dream. Despite all my rage, I'm still just fat and out of shape. Like the underachieving White Sox, you take one look at me and you think Mayonaise. Fool enough to almost be it, cool enough to not quite see it. Doomed! I poked The Bear and just called out Patrick Mahomes, man…
Thankfully, Andy Reid doesn't coach Da Bears in Chicago because he'd have all the meat sweats.
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | The Dude of the Week, man
I don't believe what I just saw!: OHNOHEDIED! The Big Red Machine grounds crew gets gobbled up by the tarp monster like it's a hearty bowl of Skyline chili
Put me in the minority, I kind of love rain delays. Oh, they absolutely suck when your team is in the middle of one, but it really is part of the quirky nature that makes baseball fun this week, and most weeks during the summer. It's hot at s**t out there, so the earth is trying to cool itself off before we die. Truth be told, we're living inside of a bag of Krystals or White Castles. I'm not wrong in this!
OHNOHEDIED!
Sometimes, you gotta shock the pool before it shocks you. I haven't seen something plastic devour something this glorious in Cincinnati since a Covington trophy wife crossed the Ohio for some Skyline. You hate that idea all you want, but Who Dey Thank Gonna Beat Dem Bengals?! To be fair, as long as Kroger and P&G are still kicking, we'll have Cincinnati Reds baseball in The Queen City.
While the San Francisco Giants have to deal with all sorts of weird weather and s**t over in NorCal, welcome to the Midwest! Like something gross you pulled out of the freezer and put into the microwave, it is hot and cold at the same time. When noted Chicago Cubs pitching savant Phil Brickma pulled out the hot ice for Tara Reid's high school boyfriend, he knew exactly what's up.
The only thing worse than being eaten by a tarp monster is visiting Kevin McAllister's big house.
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | But what about the fans???
The Dude of the Week, man: Is Shohei Ohtani on The Bachelor or something and why on God's green earth do you and I want him so badly, baby?!
If Jesse Palmer was once The Bachelor, what is Shohei Ohtani? God? No, God looks something like Morgan Freeman or Alanis Morissette. You, you, You Oughta Know. Like rain on your wedding day, it's a bit Ironic the Los Angeles Angels are looking to sell one of their kidneys again to make five bucks. You're not the Cincinnati Bengals, Los Angeles Chargers or Washington Commanders!
I command you to stop! So whether you use the DENNIS system or the SINNED system, you either need to separate entirely from this nonsense, or get a tissue to score enough runs in the end to win big. As LeBron James sleeps, the Halos are asleep at the wheel. It's not like the '94 team that George Knox managed to perfection, but JGL ain't walking through that door, bruh!
One Thing Leads to Another, when Everybody Wants You. We're all trying to get our Shohei Ohtani Fixx, but Lonely is the Night when you don't have your rocking star, or Penny Lane. Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer. Count the headlights on the highway! I'm not a Golden God (I was stricken down in a fraternity house parking lot back in 2011), but You're a God and I am not, Shohei Ohtani.
I just thought that you and Jim Carrey should know. And that's the way the cookie crumbles…
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | But what about the fans??? | I don't believe what I just saw!
